PORTLAND, Ore. – What began as a casual summer swim in the Willamette River has turned one local man into Portland’s most unusual beacon of light.
According to stunned onlookers, 34-year-old Derek Morrison emerged from the Kelly Point Park section of the river last Tuesday night “radiating a soft green hue” that could be seen from blocks away.
At first, friends thought Derek’s strange glow was the result of reflective body paint or some festival gear. Then reality hit: he was literally glowing.
“I thought he had one of those LED rave outfits on,” said bystander Chloe Ramirez. “Then I realized… no, that’s just Derek. He’s glowing. Like a human glow stick.”
Possible Cause: Algae Bloom
Health officials suspect Derek’s bioluminescent upgrade may be tied to the toxic algae bloom currently spreading through the Willamette River.
The Oregon Health Authority recently issued a recreational advisory after detecting high levels of cyanobacteria, warning swimmers and pet owners to avoid contact with the water. Symptoms can include nausea, seizures, and, apparently, the ability to light up a room without electricity.
“I didn’t even know algae could do this,” Derek admitted, slipping on sunglasses he now wears at night “out of respect for other people’s retinas.”
While scientists debate whether this is a dangerous mutation or a breakthrough in renewable energy, Derek says there are perks:
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He no longer loses his keys in the dark.
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His electricity bill has dropped to nearly zero.
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Joggers and cyclists use him as a moving landmark at night.
The downside? “My cat won’t come near me,” Derek confessed.
A New Role in Public Safety?
Portland officials are already exploring how Derek’s glow could serve the community. The Department of Transportation has reportedly reached out to see if he’d consider part-time work as a “living crosswalk beacon.”
Some locals are equally enthusiastic. “He could replace half the streetlights on Hawthorne,” one resident joked. “Imagine the savings.”
But others worry about the implications of human bioluminescence. “First it’s glowing people, next it’s mutant salmon leading kayak tours at night,” said a concerned environmentalist.
Derek’s Perspective
Despite the warnings, Derek says he has no regrets about his dip in the Willamette. “It’s not every day you get superpowers from your city’s river,” he said.
He admitted he probably should have read the health advisory before cannonballing in but insists he’s embracing the change. “I’m already in too deep — literally and genetically. Besides, I kind of like the idea of being Portland’s newest nightlife attraction.”
Asked whether he plans to return to the water, Derek didn’t hesitate: “Of course. I need to recharge. You don’t think this glow is permanent, do you?”
Neighbors React
Residents across Portland have reported sightings of Derek since his transformation.
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One couple said he illuminated their backyard barbecue after sunset without the need for string lights.
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Several cyclists claimed they followed his glow down Hawthorne Boulevard after getting lost.
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A local brewery is considering sponsoring Derek as a “living taproom lantern.”
Meanwhile, Derek’s landlord has expressed concern about his glow bleeding through the apartment blinds, keeping neighbors awake.
Officials Still Urging Caution
The Oregon Health Authority continues to stress that no one else should follow Derek’s example. Swimming, fishing, or drinking from the affected stretch of the Willamette remains strictly discouraged until the bloom subsides.
“Whatever happened to Mr. Morrison is not a recommended method of saving on your power bill,” one official quipped.
Still, scientists are intrigued. If Derek’s glow persists, researchers plan to study him as a possible example of human-environment interaction at an unprecedented scale.
The Bigger Picture
Portland has long prided itself on being “weird,” but Derek’s story may redefine that reputation. From food cart pods to naked bike rides, the city is no stranger to the unusual — yet a bioluminescent resident could set an entirely new bar.
As Derek himself put it:
“I’m living proof that Portland’s waterways can change lives — and possibly the human genome.”
Conclusion
What began as a toxic algae warning has evolved into Portland’s strangest story of the summer: a man who glows in the dark like a neon sign.
Whether Derek becomes a subject of scientific study, a citywide safety mascot, or simply a beloved oddity of Portland culture remains to be seen. For now, he’s embracing his new role — jogging shirtless through the city at night, lighting the way for tourists, cyclists, and anyone else who could use a little glow.
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