PORTLAND, Ore. – After enduring what many describe as “three straight months of Satan’s armpit,” Oregonians are eagerly awaiting the shift back to the state’s natural climate: steady rain, damp sidewalks, and casual conversations about how “this rain just feels different.”
Heat Fatigue Hits Hard
“This heat is exhausting,” said Portland resident Kyle Hanson, fanning himself with a New Seasons coupon flyer. “I can only post so many angry Instagram stories about 95-degree weather before it starts to feel forced. I miss being able to complain about the rain without sweating through my Patagonia fleece.”
Across Oregon, sunscreen is being tucked away and residents are preparing for the seasonal migration back to indoor hobbies — from passive-aggressively scrolling Zillow listings to pretending to enjoy chai lattes, to binge-watching true crime documentaries in the dark at 4:15 p.m.
Beanies, Blurry Pavement Pics, and the Return of Mood
In Eugene, Marissa Clark admits she’s been counting the days until she can “wear a beanie for warmth instead of ironic fashion.” She’s already prepared her traditional “first rain of the season” Instagram post: a blurry photo of wet pavement captioned simply, mood.
Oregon meteorologists confirm the shift is on its way. “We’re entering the magical time of year when you can smell mildew in the air again,” said KATU forecaster Don Brewer. “By late September, the entire state will return to its comfort zone of passive sadness, and we’ll all act like we didn’t just spend summer begging for this exact thing.”
Mixed Feelings in Bend
Not everyone is ready to say goodbye to summer. Bend resident Tyler Smith says he’ll miss brewery patios and paddleboarding. “But I also can’t wait for it to rain so I can use weather as my excuse for not having a social life again,” he admitted.
Coffee Shops, Sweaters, and Seasonal Sadness
As fall approaches, coffee shops are preparing for the annual surge in oat milk cappuccino orders, thrift stores are stocking up on oversized sweaters, and therapists are reminding clients that, yes, gray skies can make everything feel pointless — but they’d still like to talk about your childhood.
The Oregon Health Authority has even issued a gentle reminder for residents to begin vitamin D supplements before the clouds settle in for the long haul. “Seasonal depression isn’t going to start itself,” the agency joked in a press release.
Until then, Oregonians will keep grumbling about the heat — just loud enough, they hope, for the rain to hear them and make its grand, soggy entrance to ruin everything… exactly as they like it.
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